How To Let Go

I have read this entire site's postings on everything. It has been great therapy to know there are others like me. I had two online love interests going at the same time. One, I talked to for an entire year and half up until last week. The other one I talked to for the last seven months. For starters, I am a working professional and you would think I was smarter than this, but my giving heart for human compassion fell victim to romance scamming. I didn”t even know there was a term for this. I started googling fraud scams and found this site, fortunately. I will not bore you with all of the emails, texting day and night, phone calls, stories, poems, fake documents, etc. Where I failed was the state of mind I have been in, since my ugly divorce in 2010. The emotional support was overwhelming at a time i was open and vulnerable, and didn"t realize it. I had heard about all of the online dating sites, so I started going in and out of them for late night chats back in my miserable marriage days in August 2009. I was snatched up by a handsome young guy with a british accent from the UK on the site of militaryfriends.com and an email address of [email protected] or jefmayer212.com or jeffloveman212 on the site. The story about bidding on a contract in the UK and flying over to Lagos, Nigeria to complete the work. All that time of chatting back and forth of how the permits and licenses work over there, pics of the progress, sports talk, everyday living talks, etc. was an escape for me. Then, the request for a couple of hundred for a fine incurred and was waiting for the contract money to hit his account, etc. So I sent it. We spoke daily like you would a good friend or co-worker for over a year and a half. His stories were frantic at times, when his laptop was stolen, another time he was robbed. I told him to go to the US Embassy for help since he is an American contractor and has rights as an American. Again, against my normal judgment, I sent him money for an airline ticket to return to Liverpool, NY where he lived, so he said. I even spoke to his mother in Liverpool. So she said. So I thought. Well he never got on the plane and the money was seized by his lawyer at the Western Union office saying he owed him 4500 usd in permits and fines and was not leaving the country without paying him and seized his passport. I was horrified. Does this type of stuff happen? I remember him saying he had nothing to eat. That broke my heart, So again I sent him a couple of hundred. It was right around the holidays 2010, I wrote him a riveting email about the chain of events for the last year and half and it was 2011 and I had to start a new life. Well, for some unknown reason, I felt like I had to rescue him and save his life of begging on the street and living in a dangerous unfit housing area. We planned his escape. It was like in a movie..pack, go to WU collect money, take taxi to airport, tell nobody…When he returned, he called and I was so happy he was safe. When I talked about meeting him in person, the calls slacked off and I thought he was going through culture shock, so I left him alone. I received a text last week, it said he needed to tell me something he did and would I forgive him? I thought he got back with an old girlfriend or something. He told me “He was not real.” I was so dumb founded, all I could say was “wow”, you are kidding me, wow, I am so stupid, wow, how, why, who are you, how old are you, where are you, etc. etc. He ended up confessing he was a young 20 something, south African male living on the streets of Nigeria, created this ficticious person and has told me he “was sorry” everyday since last week, and has fallen in love with me. I too fell in love with the ficticious character and I am going through a major break up of the heart. My heart has been victimized and shattered into a million pieces. He wants to know what he can do. I told him to never ever do this again to anyone. He says he learned a valuable lesson and has warned ME not to get on any single dating sites at all. He said I fed him, clothed him, gave him a new start. Wants to go back to college. That killed me, because I know that part was true. Well that’s what $5000 and hard lesson did and that is why I need to find the strength to let it all go. I have ignored the last two texts from him and I truly get a pit in my stomach over this entire ordeal. Thank you for your time since I have not been able to discuss this with anyone.

Welcome Braveheart,

I'm sorry to see that being scammed has brought you here. As you have already realized, you are not alone. Ignoring his texts, and all attempts at contact, is the best thing to do.

Just a few comments about your scammer: younger, newer scammers generally haven't learned patience yet--they are frequently quick with the money requests, and are not very good at reacting to changes. They also tend to make more mistakes that will reveal themselves to a victim. The fact that your scammer has been patient, has kept the scam going for a year and a half, and didn't alert you with increasingly absurd money requests suggests that you are dealing with a more experienced scammer. This kind of scammer is typically better at manipulation, and better at turning most situations into something that will profit him. He is an experienced liar who can feign emotions without hesitation.

Unfortunately, you probably aren't going to like to hear what I say next, but I have to tell you that more than likely, the scammer is still trying to play you. In the time I have been dealing with scammers, baiters, and victims, I have seen dozens of "confessions." I can honestly say that only once has the confession been truly based in conscience--and in that case, a baiter had convinced a new scammer that he was taking money needed to save a child's life. Every other confession has been nothing more than a ploy, ultimately leading to more money requests.

A scammer may "confess" when he realizes he is caught or is close to being caught. In your case, the fact that you were increasingly pushing for a meeting led him to realize that he couldn't stall much longer, and the game would soon be up. So he goes for a preemptive strike. He gives a heartfelt "confession" (pieces of which may be true, much of which probably isn't), and tells you he has fallen in love with you (in reality, he sees you as a source of money, possibly a benefactor in a twisted way, but that's about it). He wants to keep you in contact with him. If you do, he will stop asking for money for a while, then weeks to months down the road, he will start telling you how difficult life has become, now that he has dropped scamming (another lie--the truth is he probably has other scams going right now, and he will continue to scam others). He will be starving, unable to pay his tuition, etc. He wants you to feel responsible for his bad situation (after all, he supposedly quit scamming for you) and of course to send money out of a sense of guilt or responsibility.

That's why it is so important to break all contact with him. As long as you are in contact, he still has the ability to manipulate you. And he is obviously very good at manipulating you, if he has kept the scam going for a year and a half. He may sound very sincere, even tearful. It's all a part of his game.

Hi Braveheart.

You're right - you're not alone. Quite often, you feel like you are though, right? That's the nature of internet romance scamming - it's so personal, it stabs right at the heart of the individual on the end of the scam. But there is always light at the end of the tunnel if you know where to look for it. You've just got to head in the right direction.
Like Dotti says, the first thing that you've got to do is to recognise that there's nothing good that can come of continued contact with the scammer. She's also absolutely spot on when she says that he's still trying to scam you. All he's done is make a logical step - "One character that I've used has been outed so I'll move onto the next one". It doesn't even matter if the new character that he's using is his real life one (though reading your post, I'd be certain that it's not), he's still trying to play you and still telling you lies.

You've literally got to go cold turkey as you would if you give up smoking (if you've been a smoker, you'll know that's not easy but it's about the only way you can ever successfully give up cigarettes). Like Dotti says - you'e got to totally ignore him. Block him from every single point where he can contact you. Emails, chats, phones, everything. Before you do so, you can tell him that he's a liar and a thief and you can even send him the link to this forum thread to show that you know that he's nothing but a lowlife scammer. Then block him immediately. Don't even wait for his reply. Hopefully, that will get him to break off a little bit quicker than he normally would. But you need to keep up your guard. Romance scammers are very, very persistent. If you give him an avenue, he'll come back at you time and time again. He'll try to convince you that he's genuine. And it's not unusual for these vermin to contact you again in a year or so's time to see if they can chance their luck then.

Just like giving up smoking, you're then going to go into a withdrawal phase. You're going to wonder if you've made the right decision. You may even be tempted to go back and have a little chat or swap an email. Maybe you'll think "I know he's a scammer but I'm not going to fall for him". But don't go down there. If you do, he'll just try and hook you and get you back on the scam. And there's every chance that you probably won't even notice that you're falling for it. But give it time. Staying with the smoking analogy, once you've done a few weeks, you've got it out of your system. Give it a few months and your cravings have gone and you don't know why you ever got involved with it in the first place. Give it a year or so and you don't even think about it.

Like I said - light at the end of the tunnel. You've just got to take that first step towards it.

I was a victim of the very same man as Braveheart! Only I got suspicios a whole lot sooner, and he DID NOT crush me! I have sent a personal message to Braveheart, I hope she get's it because I feel worse for her!!! I have a friend in US army who right now IS in lagos, he tracked me to this link, and gave me his real name Archor Gold, he asked me if I wanted him to take it any futher, but I said no, This man is lucky, if my friend were to get a hold of him, it would NOT be good! I have asked him to stop doing this to others, especially braveheart, he does not want to mess with my friend! I wish all of you on here the BEST! I am in a relationship with a wonderfull supportive man right here where I live! Could be "the one"! I sincerly wish this for ALL of you too! And why the hell is this info NOT free? My cousin and a close friend of mine just encountered scammers too, and I suspect a few others!!!!

Thanks for posting and I'm glad you avoided the scam before getting too involved.